If Zeke were rich...
from the mind of Zeke_Wilkins.
This post began as a lunchtime conversation yesterday under the category of "crazy things I'd do to annoy hippies in Eugene if I were a rich guy". It was then circulated to some friends, one of which gave the reply "Post It!" so here goes:
Some possibilities:
* I'd offer to give a $50 million dollar endowment donation if I could have permission to create "The Center for the Advancement of Global Warming" on the U of O campus. Then I'd take out ad space on the local channels and run commercials: "Are you tired of having to bundle up each winter? Has Seasonal Affective Disorder got you down? Then support the research of the Center for the Advancement of Global Warming; we're making the day after tomorrow's dream a reality. Our goal of 80 degrees year-round is well within our technological grasp."
Or,
* I'd run a ballot initiative to exterminate Salmon complete with a hachetjob commercial: "Excrement. Semen. Decomposing corpses. Doesn't sound appealing, does it? But you may have swam in them. Spawning Salmon don't seem so cute anymore do they? Vote YES on initiative 53 and help clean up our local waterways."
Or perhaps,
* I'd just donate that $50 million in exchage for permission to establish a Foundation for the Advancement of Traditional, Conservative, Academic Thought (FATCAT). The building housing the Foundation would be a tribute to the military-industrial complex (whatever that means) and would feature, among other things: a Steakhouse restaurant, a "Dead White Men" library, a "Men's Center", and a indoor pistol range. As a jab to the solar-energy freaks, it would have a device which takes electricity and turns it into artifical solar energy (in other words, broad-spectrum lighting run off fossil fuels or a nuclear reactor we managed to smuggle into the nuclear-free zone). The Foundation would invite prominent neocon speakers to give lectures (where, to make them feel at home, we'd throw pies at them), would host Affirmative Action Bakesales, and of course the ever-popular "Re-Take Back The Night From The Women Who Took Back The Night Last Night Night".
Gosh, I hope I get rich!
Some possibilities:
* I'd offer to give a $50 million dollar endowment donation if I could have permission to create "The Center for the Advancement of Global Warming" on the U of O campus. Then I'd take out ad space on the local channels and run commercials: "Are you tired of having to bundle up each winter? Has Seasonal Affective Disorder got you down? Then support the research of the Center for the Advancement of Global Warming; we're making the day after tomorrow's dream a reality. Our goal of 80 degrees year-round is well within our technological grasp."
Or,
* I'd run a ballot initiative to exterminate Salmon complete with a hachetjob commercial: "Excrement. Semen. Decomposing corpses. Doesn't sound appealing, does it? But you may have swam in them. Spawning Salmon don't seem so cute anymore do they? Vote YES on initiative 53 and help clean up our local waterways."
Or perhaps,
* I'd just donate that $50 million in exchage for permission to establish a Foundation for the Advancement of Traditional, Conservative, Academic Thought (FATCAT). The building housing the Foundation would be a tribute to the military-industrial complex (whatever that means) and would feature, among other things: a Steakhouse restaurant, a "Dead White Men" library, a "Men's Center", and a indoor pistol range. As a jab to the solar-energy freaks, it would have a device which takes electricity and turns it into artifical solar energy (in other words, broad-spectrum lighting run off fossil fuels or a nuclear reactor we managed to smuggle into the nuclear-free zone). The Foundation would invite prominent neocon speakers to give lectures (where, to make them feel at home, we'd throw pies at them), would host Affirmative Action Bakesales, and of course the ever-popular "Re-Take Back The Night From The Women Who Took Back The Night Last Night Night".
Gosh, I hope I get rich!
posted by Zeke_Wilkins at 3:04 PM
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